Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Build Then Fall.

I build them up just long enough to see myself fall,
Fall apart in every regard.
Because nobody that I spent my energy on,
Also spent their energy to support me.
So while I broke myself to support them,
I wasted away wholly right before their very eyes...
And as if that wasn't bad enough,
They didn't even lift a finger
To try to stop me from falling apart,
Nor to give me that strength & support that I so greatly needed.
I'm always left supporting everyone else
That ever needed anything at all...
While I'm left stranded to break
down all on my own.
No help.
No care.
No thought.
No love at all...
No one but me
Left to catch my broken pieces
As they crumble
And fall.

-Penny Bronzelle
February 21st, 2018

Compliments.

I dole out compliments
Everyday, all day long
To everyone else but myself...
And I mean every single one
Of them when I say them to everybody,
Except when I say them
To myself.
And I'm thinking,
"Why waste your breath,
You know those words won't help."
But maybe if I believed in my words,
And their power for myself,
Just like I believe in them for everyone else,
Maybe, just maybe they would help me,
Help myself.

- Penny Bronzelle
February 21st, 2018

Stairway To Nowhere.

Have you ever climbed up stairs
Only to realize that you're going nowhere?
You try to convince yourself that you're wrong,
That you're really making progress...
But instead of that you find that
You're clinging to that singular hope,
That you're not only climbing
A staircase to nowhere.
And like that fool that I've
Forever been for you,
I'm still here,
Wasting all my time chasing Memories & dreams that
Never should have been mine...
Up a staircase to nowhere,
That I forever continue to climb.

-Penny Bronzelle
February 21st, 2018

Collecting Pieces.

It's like I go from place to place
Collecting pieces along the way
Of those select few
That I'm lucky enough,
Or cursed enough,
Depending on your point of view,
As they are all people who
Remind me of You.
I collect all these pieces,
And use all the tape, glue & string that I've got,
To try to piece them together
To make a whole...
A whole one of You.
And it isn't fair to them,
I know that it isn't fair to them,
To forever be denied a whole
Me,
Because I'm forever broken
Seeking out these pieces of You,
Along with the pieces of myself
That You stole from me.
And it isn't fair to them,
For me to see them for only
The parts of You that they remind me of,
Or better still,
That they have traits You NEVER did,
And that I wish You had.
So I'm ever so blissfully ignorant,
Or far too self aware, 
To care to clean up this mess that I am.
Or better still,
If I'm going to be bold and
Wish for things,
Let me be bold enough to wish
To stop chasing after the ghost of You,
That makes me look like an idiot & a fool, like this.
Your ghost haunts me wherever I go...
Is ruining my life...
But I can't stop feeling the need
To pick up the pieces when
I see bits and pieces of You
Everywhere I go.
So if they're willing
I collect them & keep them
Forever & never let them go.
All because I wanted all of You,
And yet You didn't care for me,
And let me go.

-Penny Bronzelle
February 21st, 2018

Heart In A Box.

I have a heart,
A beautiful heart in a box,
And yes I keep it there
So it doesn't get lost.
Long, long ago
I was naive,
And I believed every word
He spoke to me.
Until the day my eyes were opened,
And I realized every word
He'd ever spoken to me
Was a lie.
So now I keep my heart guarded,
Safe under lock and key...
And I'm the only one
My beating heart will ever see.
In a box built to safeguard
A heart as pure as mine,
Oppressed therein but it beats
just fine.
I know my heart,
My beautiful heart
And I'm determined to protect it
With all that I have,
With all that I am,
With every breath I breathe,
And with every last beat of my
Beautiful heart in a box,
Kept there so she wouldn't
Get lost...

-Penny Bronzelle
February 21st, 2018

Friday, February 16, 2018

The Game of Maybe.

I play the game of maybe
More often than I should,
And maybe if I did not
I'd be happier right where I stood.
I say the usual things,
While I'm playing this ultra depressing game...
I am sadly not the only one
To ever utter these things.
Maybe if the timing had been right.
Maybe if things were different.
Maybe if he'd have wanted me, too.
Maybe, just maybe we'd be with one another now.
But here's a limb I'm going out on,
And yes, it just may break...
But maybe if I just stopped saying "maybe,"
I'd be happier, too.
Maybe this game of maybe
Is eating me alive.
Maybe this game of maybe
Is ruining my life.
And though I wish it wasn't,
And oh how I wish I was strong enough not to,
I keep on playing this same
Game of maybe
For the trillionth time.

-Penny Bronzelle
February 16th, 2018

The One That Got Away.

"The one that got away"
is a sad tale we hear,
And sadly this sad tale
Is much too often spoken to my ear.
I, too, am guilty,
Of saying this same sad line.
I, too, am guilty,
Of having a broken heart
Over someone who isn't mine.
Damn the timing.
Damn the other guy or girl that they chose instead.
Damn the universe for allowing us to meet them at all...
Oh how many times has this been said?!
Damn the one who got away,
We never should have let them.
Damn the one who got away,
We wish we could have kept them.
Damn the one who got away,
Is a phrase we'll never say & mean...
Because no matter the cost,
To our broken hearts,
Or our own aching souls,
We love the ones who got away,
More than they'll ever know.

-Penny Bronzelle
February 16th, 2018

Broken Heart Beating.

I have a broken heart,
And oh yes, it is still beating.
It rattles around sometimes
Inside my chest,
And when others hear it,
Are curious as to the cause
Of the sound...
But I am not.
Oh no, I am well aware of
How broken it sounds,
For I have heard it for so long now,
That I've all but forgotten
How it used to sound...
Before it was broken like it is now.
And though this may come as
Quite a shock,
I have become quite fond of
The sound of my broken heart beating;
For if it did not
Continue to beat amidst it's broken state,
I would be food for the worms,
And I'm not yet ready for that fate.
So I'll gladly enjoy the sound
Of brokenness,
Every single time that it beats...
And I'll not miss a second
Listening to it sound off
Everyday resolte in it's defeat.
I am just glad to be alive,
Even if that means I'm only here
Listening to the sound of my
Broken heart beating.

-Penny Bronzelle
February 16th, 2018

Inescapable You.

I've found myself yearning,
Yearning for freedom & release.
I've found myself yearning,
Yearning all too frequently
For these things.
I wish to be free,
Free from the you
Who haunts my dreams.
Free from the you
Who refuses to let me be.
I wish to escape,
Escape this inescapable place...
And maybe, just maybe
Be free to find my own
Sweet release,
When I'm no longer tethered
To such a depressing place.
Herein are only bittersweet reminders,
Reminders of all we could have been,
And all we will never get to be...
And not to be a bitch,
But I'm sick of these reminders
Following me.
I'm sick of these reminders,
Of all that I'll never get to have,
Chasing me down the recessed
alleyways of my mind,
Just to make me feel bad.
I miss the time before I knew you,
That time seems ever precious to me now...
Because then I could think about anything & everything,
Without you haunting me &
ruining it somehow.
I am caught in the in between,
The land of the haunted,
Ever trapped in over feeling...
And all I can think of,
Besides you, that is...
Is the ever elusive act
Of my successful escape,
From the inescapable force
That is you.
"Please release me,
I beg of you."
But my words fall on deaf ears,
You care not to hear my cries...
So I'm left to rot in this cell alone,
While all my wishes & dreams
starve & die.
I dreamt of my escape...
I envisioned it all too clearly,
If only that could make it so.
I embodied everything it took to break free,
Strength.
Courage.
Resilience.
Intelligence.
Bravery...
All things considered necessary
In order to escape captivity,
Wherein I am currently trapped...
That is, until you held me captive so long & so well,
That I gave up on those things &
Never looked back.
My dreams of escaping,
Of ever leaving you...
They all died just like my pride,
And now I'm stuck here,
Resolute.
All I ever want to be, &
Where I ever yearn to be,
Is right here next to
The inescapable you.


- Penny Bronzelle
February 16th, 2018

Double Edged Sword

There's nothing quite like
The double edged sword
I've been playing with...
Both edges equally sharp,
One labeled "remember,"
One labeled "forget..."
I bet you can figure out
Which is the sharpest edge
yet.

- Penny Bronzelle
February 16th, 2018